The Sitter
by Horribibble
Summary: "I swear, if you're handing your kid over to Crips or the Bloods, I'm calling child services." - Sasu/Naru/Sasu . Itachi's hired a new babysitter for his precious son. -What began as a oneshot has become an epic of awkward college-student proportions. AU.
1. Brotherly Love

A/N: Had to pop something out quick before I lost it. I hope to write more updates for my other stories soon. For now, this will REMAIN a oneshot. I've got better bunnies in my head.

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The Sitter

By: KitsuneArasi

_-That's Brotherly Love For You-_

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"Wait a second. You're telling me you trusted my nephew to _that_?"

"He comes highly recommended, little brother."

"He has _tattoos!_"

"So do you, as last I remember."

"One. I have _one_ tattoo. And I was _drunk, _okay?!"

"Would you have gotten a cherry-blossom branch tattooed on your pelvis otherwise?" His brother cast a sidelong glance at him.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed, "That's beside the point. His arms are _covered_ in them, and—," Sasuke's eyes widened as the man stretched, "Is that another one on his stomach?!"

"Sasuke."

"It is, isn't it?"

"_Sasu_ke."

"What the hell is it supposed to _be,_ anyway?"

"Sasuke..."

"Is that a gang symbol?!"

"….Sasuke."

"I swear, if you're handing your kid over to Crypts or the Bloods, I'm calling child services."

"Shut _**up, **_Sasuke!"

The dark-haired teen looked up at his brother, marking the removal of his reading glasses as a 'Bad Sign'.

"Sasuke, Kakashi himself recommended Naruto to me."

"…Kakashi."

"Yes."

"'I-got-lost-on-the-road-of-life-and-ran-into-a-horny-dolphin, and that's why I'm late today' Kakashi?"

"The very same."

"And you trusted him."

"Naruto is his foster-son."

"That would explain a lot."

"…Have you even spoken to him yet, little brother?"

"He called me a bastard."

"You are."

"What the—you, too?! Is this some kind of airborne virus, or what?"

"You're acting younger than Kazue."

"It's not my fault the idiot was teaching him the wrong material."

"Did you tell him that?"

"Of course I did! We can't have him teaching Kazue the wrong things-"

"Not that. The part about him being an idiot."

"…Maybe."

"And so the curtains have parted. You started it, didn't you?"

"What?! No! That blue-eyed bimbo did!"

"You noticed his eyes, hm?"

"It's not every day you see that color. Especially not wasted on someone like that."

"Mm…hm."

"That's all! I wasn't staring at him or anything. You're exaggerating."

"I made one statement, Sasuke. I didn't even mention the way those tattoos accent that tan skin…or the way that blonde hair falls into his eyes just right, or—"

"What the hell?! You're married!"

Itachi smirked, "And you're interested. Aren't you."

It wasn't a question.

"I fucking hate you sometimes."

"You'll be singing my praises later, little brother."

"Whatever for, _big brother_?" Sasuke sneered.

The grin that split his brother's face at that made the younger male draw back. The last time he'd seen that smile, Zetsu had doubled over in the middle of a Food Court, squeaking for his mommy.

"The two of you are going on a date tonight."

"Oh, yeah. _That's_ going to happen."

"Oh, it is. Because I'm quite confident that you'd rather commence dating the blonde then wind up hogtied in the basement for four hours."

Sasuke flinched.

"You wouldn't."

"Shall I show you the ropes? Good, strong rock-climbing line."

"Fine. Fine!"

"Good boy," The reading glasses were smoothly replaced, "Now, I suggest you go make nice."

Sasuke found it prudent to make good his escape.

Damned if he wasn't bitching to Juugo later.


	2. Juugo's Special Hotline

A/N: You don't read this at all, do you? -.- Anyway, because I got sick of people ignoring this and leaving demanding reviews anyway, I decided I might as well update this, too. Because, you know, I have no life. -*Blows raspberry*-

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The Sitter

By: KitsuneArasi

_-Bitching to Juugo-_

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"Maybe he thought it would be good for you?"

"Dating a gangbanger is _good _for me?"

"Are you certain he _is_ a gang banger?"

"He has a shitload of tattoos, Juugo."

"So does your cousin Sai."

"Is that supposed to help this guy's case?"

A sigh from the other end, "No. I guess not. Are they really so suspicious?"

"Would I bother you about this if they _weren't?_"

"…Sasuke."

"…Okay, so maybe it's not so suspicious. But I've never seen a tattoo like that."

"…"

"I mean, it's right there, around his belly button, this spiral in vibrant black ink. It really stands out on his skin, and there's this part that points right down, like it's asking you to—"

"Sasuke." For the first time in a while, Juugo sounded disturbed.

He usually did that to _other people._ It didn't make him happy.

"…Oh, shit, Juugo. I'm interested, aren't I?"

"I'd say so. Either that, or you've got an ink fetish."

"You've got to be kidding."

"How long has it been since you last saw Sai?"

"We're not talking about this!"

"Last time you mentioned him was about a month ago. Tell me, Sasuke, how did that make you _feel?_"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"I'm only trying to help you, you know."

"Into an early grave, maybe."

"It was a valid question."

"It was sick, and you know it."

"Well, at least now we know that it isn't an ink fetish."

"Lucky me. I'm attracted to a dopey blonde who's probably going to die of ink poisoning by 24."

"Hm. ...I'm a little sad."

"What the hell _for_?"

"I was going to tell Karin about your ink fetish. …Maybe I can conveniently forget to rebuke it."

"Like I said. Sick."

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for your _hot date_?"

"Son of a bitch."

"He's such a lucky little gang-banger."


	3. TraitorBitch

**A/N: **Thanks for all the lovely reviews. To whomever reviewed as 'babe', I apologize for the status mistake. It was not my intention to mislead anyone. As stated in my first A/N: this was originally going to be a oneshot. I just forgot to update the status. Thank you for reminding me, but please try to be a bit kinder.

**Squirrel-speaking one:** Nice to know someone admits their blasphemous ways.

**Wawuchen:** I'll try to see if I can work him in some more for you. :)

**Sky:** Weeee shaaaall seeeee.

**Zerofangirl:** Here you go. More seconds with Kakashi. XD

**ON WITH THE SHOW!!!**

**Disclaimer:** I'm entering college next year. I _wish _I had this kind of cash cow.

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**The Sitter**

By: KitsuneArasi

_-Traitor-Bitch-_

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"Hold on. Wait a damn minute here, asshole!"

"Naruto, watch your mouth."

"Sorry, 'Ruka. You're telling_ me_ that I'm going on a date tonight?"

"That was the plan." His bastard foster father arched a brow.

"The plan? How long have you had a fucking_ plan?!"_

"Naruto!"

"Sorry! But, seriously! How long have you been making _plans_ about my sex life?!"

"Who said anything about sex?"

"With you? It's _implied._"

"Really?" Kakashi cast a sidelong glance to Iruka, "Hmm."

"Eyes up, you perverted asshole!"

"Naru—"

"'Ruka! Seriously! You can't possibly _blame _me! I mean—I like _Sakura!_ A _girl!_ And that Sasuke guy is just plain _creepy_."

"'Creepy'? Stuck-up, I could understand. Cold, sure. Unnerving, of course! But 'Creepy'?"

"After he spent ten minutes arguing with me about his nephew's math homework, he went into the kitchen, acting all pissy. Another five minutes later, he sits down near us and _stares at me_ for another hour before storming upstairs."

"…He _does_ tend to hold a grudge." Kakashi's eyes creased in a knowing smile, though his mouth was hidden behind a book.

"Sure. A grudge. What the hell my stomach ever did to him, I'll never know. …I _doubt_ it. The guy was staring at my _crotch_ the whole time, like he was trying to place some weird ass voodoo curse on my dick."

"NARUTO!"

"_**It's not my fault he's trying to land me in a gay relationship with the King of Nookie Voodoo!**_"

The blonde made haste his exit, storming off to his room with the peace of mind unique to those who didn't care about the thickness of apartment walls.

"Make sure you wear your Levi's. _They make your ass look really nice!_"

Kakashi considered the subsequent crashing noise a personal accomplishment.

On the other hand, Iruka didn't look too happy.

"Hey, at least I'm trying to set him up with someone who can hold a conversation."

"Hn. Hn-hn-hn. Hn hn." Iruka glared pointedly.

"…That's not _all _he says, 'Ruka."

"I don't think he has much conversation in mind, judging by Naruto's description."

"He had to have been exaggerating. Sasuke's been practically _asexual_ up to now."

"Key words: Up to now. You've consigned our son to an anti-social rapist who's had his trigger pulled."

Kakashi snickered, but the sound quickly died down.

"I hope you're happy." Iruka tossed a throw pillow at his head with considerable force.

Both book and pillow fell to the floor.

Iruka turned to leave.

"…Huh…I wonder if it was the ink…"

"You'll have plenty of time to ponder that on the couch tonight."

A pause.

"Alone."

Kakashi groaned.

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A/N – REDUX: I enjoyed reading all of your reviews, and I'll be sure to get to answering your pressing questions. Do keep them coming, if you would. :)


	4. GPS

**A/N: **Once again, sorry for the wait. My father was diagnosed with cancer, and things have been hectic lately. Please bear with me. Also, this chapter is dedicated to the awesome-tastic Witfooth. Thank you. :)

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Naruto, we would not be allowed public broadcast.

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The Sitter  
Part Four: G.P.S  
_General Pain in the Sphincter_

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"I'm assuming that you have not yet arrived at the rendezvous point, little brother."

"Gee, what was your first clue?" Came the irate response, followed by the sound of bangs being blown from his brother's line of sight.

"I can only hope that your upbringing was not so lax as to allow you to call _me_ in the middle of your date. Unless, of course, you wished to 'use your lifeline', as they say."

A brief, very un-Uchiha-like growling sound, then, "My, how quickly you assume that you would be said lifeline."

"I do not assume. I know. My qualifications far exceed those of your…friends."

_At least they're not rabid, weasel-boy._

Sasuke chose to remain silent.

"Case in point, I am married, your friends scare away anything with a pulse. I _saw_ Juugo's criminal record, remember? I'm his _lawyer. _Let's not even mention _Jaws._"

"His name is Suigetsu." Sasuke bit out in something dangerously close to a pout.

"Of course. And the girl with the surgical fixation is Karin. Now that we've completed our review, may I ask why you _did _call, if not to tap into my _vast _dating knowledge banks?"

A nearly inaudible sigh, "Did you know that there are _three different restaurants_ with 'Ichijouji' in their title near Leaf Group's HQ?"

"'Ichijouji', you said?" Itachi shifted in his seat with a soft groan, setting down his papers and removing his reading glasses, "That would explain the situation."

"Oh, good. I was afraid I would have to kill one of the neighborhood children soon."

"To think I let you near my son."

"_Your son_ doesn't ask me inane questions about _ducks_. Some little brat with goggles and his two midget friends keep running up to ask me if I want to _buy _one."

"I encourage you not to threaten the local wildlife en route to your date, Sasuke, as this would further prove your ill upbringing, and thus reflect poorly upon our family."

"Woe be."

"Put your finger down. …Also, I believe there is a simple solution to your predicament."

"Oh, please to enlighten, sifu." He could almost _see _Sasuke rolling his eyes as he pulled his middle finger back down.

"You've been looking for the _wrong_ restaurant. The correct name is 'Ichiraku'."

"…'Ichiraku'."

"That is correct. You have seen it?"

"'Ichiraku' is not a restaurant."

"Aa. Kakashi did mention that the place was a bit of a hole in the wall, as establishments go."

"Brother, you don't understand. That place is not a _restaurant. _It's a _health code violation._"

"It's a ramen stand, Sasuke. Not a trap."

"Look. I'm standing across from it now. Shall I tell you what I see? Kitschy orange paper lanterns and an overhang that could fall at any given moment and—and those damned kids are back aga—I _DO NOT _want to buy a duck!"

Itachi couldn't help but snirk.

And his brother thought _he _had no childcare expertise.

"Were I you, I would not keep my date waiting any longer. Enjoy your dinner, Sasuke."

A frustrated scream was all that met him as the call was terminated.

He glanced up at the soft creak of the wooden floor, a tiny smile rising at the sight of Kazue's tiny face poking into his study.

"Papa…unka doin' good? Mommy says he get 'aid!" The five-year-old grinned sweetly, offering a double thumbs-up while maintaing a firm hold on his blankie.

Itachi threw his head back, and _laughed._

**_A/N:_ **Anyone want to guess who the kid with the goggles is? These bits are for you, skyinthenightslove. :3

Hopefully, you'll be seeing a number of updates from me soon. For anyone waiting on Paper, Rock, Scissors, I'm stirring up the bunnies. Please wait just a bit longer. Thank you, and please leave your thoughts.

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	5. Neji's ExtraSpecial Hotline

**A/N: **Fortunately, the wait was shorter. Unfortunately, I haven't turned up anything for Paper, Rock, Scissors yet. I'm trying. Please be patient. Also, we've received news that my father's cancer is shrinking. Feeling all sun.

**Ever the Antagonist:**Simple. Plot advancement struck him dumb. Also, large amounts of denial.

**Witfooth: **Log in. The answers to all lie in your inbox. xD Also, thank you for the sentiments.

**Disclaimer: **They remain as 'Not Mine' as they were in the past four chapters.

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The Sitter  
Part Five: Neji's Extra-Special Hotline

_-Please stand me up. __**Please.**__-  
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"He's _still _not here. Shit, this is _sad, _man_. _Look at me, I'm a straight dude bein' stood up by his _gay date_."

A soft sigh answered his melodramatic exclamation, then—

"Wait a second. I hear an echo. Am I on speaker? And is that _Kiba_?! _Laughing_at me?! …_Fuck._"

He could almost _hear_ Neji's twisted-bitch smile, "I'm sorry, Naruto. We're just so…_happy_…that you're finally dating someone. You know: _Outside of your mind?_ And such a handsome-(Snirk)-specimen, too."

"It wasn't _me, _okay? It was a setup between the lord of the perverts and the psycho bastard's brother, awright?"

Kiba's laughter was getting louder.

Fucker.

"It is often nearby parties made puppets by fate."

"Oh, really? So, tell me, what 'Puppets of Fate' keep supergluing your eyes to Gaara's ass? Hm, pretty-boy?"

A loud thud.

Choking noises.

Kiba down.

Speakerphone cut off as Neji hissed, "Naruto, you _bitch_, how the fuck did you know I—"

"C-cousin Neji! Wh-what happened to K-Kiba?"

"Nothing, Hinata. Nothing. _Naruto, I'm going to-"_

"Naruto-kun? Is that him on the phone?"

"...Does _she_…?"

"Yes, Hinata, it's Naruto."

"Well, then, tell him good luck on his date with Sasuke-san. I hear that he is in high demand with local girls."

"Her, too?! Aw, c'mon! At this rate, Sakura'll _never_ go out with me!" Naruto's head hit the counter.

A snort, "He says thanks, Hinata."

There was a brief pause, presumably as Hinata left the room.

A soft bip told him he was back on speaker phone.

Experience told him that this did _not _mean he was off the hook.

"If I were you, I'd be more worried about Sakura _killing_ you than _dating _you."

"Wh-what?! Hey, what did I do?! Last time…last time, I didn't— …I didn't embarrass her _that _bad. …Did I?"

"Yes, it was! It _totally_ was, dude!" Kiba had apparently retained consciousness.

"Naruto, did you miss her asking Ino to kill her? Right there, in the middle of the Town Center. Ino almost did it, t-ooohhh, boy. Ino's another problem."

"Holy shit, Naru, you're a _dead_ man."

"What the hell are you guys talking abou-," His voice lowered as Teuchi waved at him to bring the volume down, "Sorry…what do you _mean_I'm a 'dead man'?"

"You realize that Uchiha Sasuke is _**Uchiha Sasuke**_, right?" Neji's voice held the grave sort of importance that usually told Naruto he'd fucked something up _royally_.

"Um…?"

"Uchiha Sasuke, better known as," Kiba cleared his throat and put on a startlingly accurate girly-voice, "Sasuke-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!"

"Holy fuck! The dude the girls, like, worship?!"

"With the exception of Hinata, yes."

"…N...Neji?"

Suddenly, everything crashed into place.

"Mhm."

"Neji-holy shit, Neji, I—I don't wanna _die! _I mean, it's not like I arranged this messed-up date, and, I mean, it's not like they can blame me because my foster-father is a sadistic bastard, right? And I…I…help me?" His little panic attack culminated in a pathetic squeaking noise.

"Hey, man, I'm sure it'll be…uh…okay, right? I mean, he agreed, so maybe that'll show the girls he's off the market and shit."

Kiba made an effort at comfort, but Neji just had to shoot holes right into _that _one.

"You realize that that's like saying 'This time, Jason's gonna kick the bucket! Despite the superhuman strength, the titanium alloy, and the _ability to come back to life.' _Especially with Sakura and Ino."

A keening whimper broke what must have been a glaring fest between the two.

"Shit, man. I don't know what to say. Except, well, y' said he's not there yet, right? So maybe he really isn't coming. Maybe you can write it off. Say it was just a crazy rumor, 'cause let me tell _you_, you'd have to be _high_ to think _you_ were the Uchiha's type."

"Gee, _thanks,_ I think." Naruto growled, "Look, I—"

"_**--**_**I **_**DO NOT**_** want to buy a duck!"**

"Oh, look at that," Naruto deadpanned, "my date's here."

The phone cut off in the middle of Kiba's rendition of the Funeral Dirge.

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**A/N: **Why, yes, I _did_ reference the complete and total mind----ery of Friday the 13th. Also, next- the date commences! And I plan to include more description, for those of you who were concerned over it. Some things do need description, after all. Thank you for sticking around, and please continue to leave your feedback. :)


	6. Lightweight

**A/N: **Here's the next chapter for this one. Currently trying to stir up inspiration for other things in need of updating. Also, I'm working on a Zoro x Sanji AU/AR. If you're interested in seeing it posted, I'll need convincing. I seem to have this bizarre notion of FINISHING something before I post it. Isn't that just silly? x3

Good news! I'm in college now, meaning I have something to procrastinate! Inspiration time! I'll likely edit this chapter later, I'm not completely certain of it. ...:/

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The Sitter  
Part Six: Lightweight

_-Hands__ are to remain __**above **__the waistline__.-_

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"For the record, this is not a habit of mine."

"What, blackmailing innocent babysitters into dating you?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed, "The blackmail was not _actually _my fault. It appears that my brother and your…Kakashi…had this entire travesty arranged before you'd even set foot in our home."

"'_Travesty'_? I didn't know I was taking out a walking Webster's."

Sasuke growled, "I didn't know I was _being_ taken out, let alone by a Neanderthal whose educational progress peaked at the _third grade level._"

"There! There it is! You're calling me _stupid _again!"

"Far be it from me, Mr. Uzumaki, to state the obvious so blatantly." Sasuke jabbed sweetly.

Naruto jerked backwards like he'd been slapped, eyes widening almost comically as he attempted to regain balance on his stool, "See? _See?!_ You…dude! You _suck!_ I can't _believe _so many girls like you!"

A slow, self-assured smirk formed on the Uchiha's lips, "Tragic, isn't it? That I _would _rather '_suck_' than sleep with any one of my…'lovely admirers'?"

The blonde choked on the breath he'd been drawing in, halted in the midst of an agitated comeback.

"_**What?!**_"

Sasuke blinked at the blonde, fluttering those long, feminine lashes as if truly surprised at the blonde's shocked reaction, "Why, what seems to be the problem, Na-ru-to?"

Were he not so perceptive, he might have missed the delicate shudder that passed through the tanned man. As it was, he quirked a delicate brow.

"I…you…just…I mean......._tact?_"

"If you agreed to this date expecting _that_, then I'm afraid you were mistaken. I've never been known for lying to make others feel warm and fuzzy despite their own glaring insecurities and misconceptions."

Naruto snorted, shaking his head.

"What, no witty comebacks? No torturous barbs to _lob_ in my direction? Oh, please, Naruto. Please. I beg you. _Hurt _me, _punish _me for my _cruel, cruel plot_ to torment the 'innocent babysitters' of the world." Sasuke growled.

"…We wouldn't be having this conversation if I'd just asked you 'What', would we…?"

"Probably not." Sasuke agreed stiffly.

Naruto sighed, looking in the opposite direction for a moment before examining Sasuke out of the corner of his eye.

"…I can see you looking at me, you know. It's obvious that you are."

"…Yeah."

"So why are you still doing it?"

"Just thinking. …When you pout like that, I can kind of—_maybe—_see what the girls see in you. Just a little."

The dark-haired man shook his head, "I do not _pout. …_And I don't care what those wretched harpies see in me."

Naruto let out a frustrated, growling sigh, "That's not harsh at _all_. …I was trying to compliment you, man. To-I don't know-_apologize_, or something."

"…I know. I just don't like talking about those women."

"What for? A lot of 'em are really nice, and good-looking, and smart…" Naruto trailed off, watching as Sasuke's expression soured…dare he say, 'cutely'?

"And superficial, and selfish, and flighty, and _completely delusional_."

"Hey! That's not fair. I'm _friends_ with some of those girls!"

"Lucky you," Sasuke rolled his eyes, "At least they don't stalk _you._"

"Lucky? Sakura Haruno, the girl I've crushed on since we were in _junior high_, is completely gaga in _love _with you. Lucky me, huh?"

"It's not love."

Sasuke's stubborn tone seemed to dissipate as he looked down at his hands, fisted tightly on the counter.

"Okay. What is it, then?"

"I don't know," He sighed, "But I know that it's not love. If a kid keeps a butterfly in a jar until it suffocates, is that love? No. It's not. It's not right; to think that that might be all there is waiting. To be put on a pedestal, in a jar, in a lacquered box until you suffocate and _die._ That can't be 'it', but it _is_all they seem to want from me."

"…Even Sakura?" Naruto asked quietly, "I mean…she's always been really…"

"Uzumaki…when did you meet her?"

"…Around kindergarten."

"And your contact has been fairly constant?"

"Yeah."

"You've gotten to know her. Over time. Through shared experiences and conversation. _Bonding_."

Naruto almost chuckled.

If he ever suggested aloud that he and Sakura had, at any point, been 'bonding', he'd probably take a hit to the solar plexus.

"I guess you could say that."

"And what if, when you met her in kindergarten, she had told you that she wanted to marry you. What if she told you, in the middle of a game of—I don't know, _race cars—_what if she told you she _wanted to have your children_?"

"That's…kind of awkward."

"Yeah, well that's my life, Uzumaki. Except, instead of just four-year-old girls, I heard it from twenty-year-old _women._"

"…Sounds like you need a beer."

* * *

**Beer the First:**

"I'm just…kinda jealous, I guess."

"Of the perpetual girl-shriek induced migraine, or the constant fear of being forcefully raped for the purposes of _farming _your_ DNA?_"

"Of the fact that you don't have to bend over backwards for…well, anything."

"Are you saying that I'm pampered, or are you referring to my prowess in Limbo?" Sasuke asked dryly.

The blonde snorted, "I'm _saying _I'm jealous of your…well, your '_DNA'_, I guess."

"My DNA? Really?"

"Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure that every girl inside city limits thinks _my_ genes are poisonous. Except Hinata, and I'm pretty sure if I ever _did _go out with her, I'd drive _her _nuts, too."

"Just within city limits?"

"Don't have a car. Yet," He grinned sheepishly, "Savin' up, an' all. Iruka and Kakashi said they'd help out—well, Iruka said, Kakashi asked me if it'd keep me _out _somenights—but I wanna get up most of the cash myself, you know? Responsibility, and all that stuff."

"So you'll be spreading your plagued genes faster than you think."

"Yeah. Whatever." Naruto rolled his eyes, "What about you? I take it the Gay Thing is kinda detrimental to continuing the family line."

_You have no fucking idea._

"Huh."

Sasuke motioned for another round.

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**Beer the Second:**

"So…what _is _there to do?"

"Hm-mm?" Naruto hummed over the rim of his glass, surprisingly a bit more docile with the alcohol in his system.

"Within city limits. What is there to do? You know, outside of the mall…"

Naruto blinked.

"You're asking me?"

"You seem pretty…sociable?"

"Yeah, but you've lived here a long time, too, right?"

"I haven't done much…'partying', I guess."

"At all? In twenty-something _years?_"

"I've been busy. Studying."

Naruto looked at him as if he'd just confessed that his privates were composed of Purple Kryptonite, "For _what_, bastard?!"

Sasuke huffed, knocking back the rest of his beer.

"I have no…fucking…idea."

Naruto motioned for another round.

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**Beer the Third:**

"So…you've been studying."

A grunt.

"You don't know what for."

A sigh.

"Guess you should make up for it, huh?"

"Mm."

Naruto huffed, rolling his eyes, "C'mon, creepy bastard. We're going to see a friend 'o mine."

Sasuke arched a brow, half-questioning, half-mocking.

Naruto leaned in, nose almost touching his dark-haired date's, "Well? Didn't you ask what's to do?"

"I did…"

"Then c'_mon_. I'm gonna _show_ ya somethin'." He winked, and Sasuke narrowly avoided biting his own lip.

Teuchi looked at them oddly before Naruto's eyes slid over to him, not moving his face from its proximity to Sasuke's, "Not like _that_, Old Man, 'm just gonna take him someplace _fun_, that's all!"

He stuck his tongue out, eyes narrowing into a mischievous, fox-like expression.

"Does 'fun' involve ink?" Sasuke asked softly, eyes tracing the blonde's nicely-muscled arms, licking his lips absently, "I have…bad luck with booze and ink…"

Naruto drew back, blinking rapidly as he canted his head, "I'm sorry. …Did you just admit to having a tattoo?"

Sasuke nodded.

"Can I see?"

Sasuke seemed to ponder for a moment, then rose from his stool and began, clumsily, to undo the fastenings of his pants.

"_Whoa_, there, cowboy!" Naruto's hands darted to grip Sasuke's, halting any further motions, "Th-that's okay. I get it. Private place. Are you…_drunk_, man?"

Sasuke blinked, taking another quiet moment to ponder, then…

He nodded.

"That feels nice." He said, in that same quiet voice as before.

"What feels…uhhhhhh—," Naruto's eyes bugged, a bright flush spreading over his cheeks as he noticed that his hands were pressing pale digits snugly against the raven-haired male's personal parts, "Th-that. Okay. Nice. Right. Th-that was an accident. Not gonna happen again."

His hands retreated, fluttering about his hips in a general confusion before resolving to stuff themselves innocently into his pockets—where they would, presumably, be doing much less harm.

"Oh. That's unfortunate." Sasuke sighed, sounding genuinely disappointed.

Yep. The guy was _definitely _a lightweight.

"J-just come on!" Naruto grabbed him by the arm, tossing a wad of cash on the counter before dragging his companion out the door of the establishment, the sound of Teuchi's roaring laughter following them out.

* * *

**A/N: **I hope to have the next chapter out shortly. Interaction with my roommate is, surprisingly, inspiring. XD If anyone actually wants to contact me, I wouldn't mind at all. *Hint* :3


	7. Bomb Shelter

The Sitter  
Part Seven: The Bomb Shelter

_-Mmm. __Tastes like glitter.__-_

* * *

"_This isn't funny I'll kill you this isn't funny I hate you I hate you I hate you, you __**shit**__."_

Naruto laughed.

The best way to sober up a drunk person was, apparently, to load them on the back of a motorcycle. Maybe the open air did them good.

Or maybe it was just the time it took Naruto to get them where they were going safely with a death grip on his ribs. He didn't really trust his passenger to keep it PG after the pants incident.

By the time they'd hit the first stop light, Sasuke was plastered to his back, muttering something that sounded vaguely German into Naruto's jacket.

"That's daddy's dollar hard at work!" Naruto sang.

A growl rumbled against his back, and there was a punctuated crushing of his spleen.

"Ngeep—okay! O-_kay! _I'm sorry, low blow!"

The pressure abated, "Better. Where are we going?"

Naruto looked back over his shoulder, opening his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by the blaring of a horn.

Sasuke's death grip came back full force, and Naruto felt a sudden urge to break some faces.

"Hey, lovebirds! The light's green!"

Naruto's shoulders tensed, and he gunned the engine before taking off, "Fuck you too, candyass!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but his hold relaxed again, just a bit.

"Hey, Sasuke?"

"What?"

"How do you feel about 'art'?"

* * *

"'The Bomb Shelter'?"

"Mmhm."

"That doesn't sound like 'art'. That sounds like part of a government conspiracy. I...," Sasuke eyed Naruto suspiciously, "Is there something I should know? Is this some kind of test? Because if Itachi put you up to this, I swear—"

A tan hand clapped over Sasuke's mouth, "You do _not _want to mention the government in there."

"What? What did you do, sign me on for terrorist training? No. No way, no. Is _that _what that tattoo is? I _knew _it meant something—"

"You _really _have a thing with tattoos, don't you? That's kind of cute and creepy at the same time. But, yeah. No. We're not training for anything. It's just, I'm pretty sure Deidara—that's my friend, the owner—I'm pretty sure he's ex-IRA, or something. Definitely an anarchist. Big into 'bang', if you catch my drift."

"He makes bombs."

"Used to. He _used to _make bombs."

"Now?"

"He sticks mostly to paints and clay. ...Mostly."

"I get it. Very ominous. You didn't strike me as the free-form gallery type."

Naruto grinned, "There's a night club underneath."

–

"Yo! Deidara!"

"Naruto. What took you, un?"

The two clasped hands as Sasuke watched.

"So this is the date, un?"

"Ye—wait. How the hell did _you _know?"

A wide, devilish grin, "_Everyone _knows."

"'Everyone'?"

"And their grandmothers. Kiba told Ino."

Naruto shrieked, "_Ino? _Does he _want _me dead?"

Deidara shrugged, "Couldn't say, but you might as well enjoy your last night, un? Show your date around."

"But—"

"Come on, genius." Sasuke grabbed his collar, choking off his protest and tugging him along rather efficiently.

"But-kk—Sasuke, you don't understand!"

"Understand what? Didn't you say you would show me where to have _fun_?"

"Y-yeah, but..."

"Well, right now, I'm not having fun."

"Sasuke, you don't get it. They're going to _kill me_."

Sasuke stopped short, turning around and crossing his arms as Naruto attempted to right himself, "They're not going to kill you."

"Weren't you the one talking about how _obsessive _they all are? Do you know what they do to people who get in the _way? _Man, have you never watched _Lifetime?_ They're going to start cutting my brake lines—"

"You don't have a _car._"

"So? They'll cut _Iruka's _brake lines! Or—or worse! They'll hold him _hostage! _And then—_they'll hold my dad hostage, Sasuke!_"

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."

"You're completely brain-dead."

"_**Hey!**_Get back here!"

But Sasuke was already off.

"...There's a hatch in the floor."

"Well, yeah. How else do you get to a bomb shelter? But hold on. You called me brain-dead, you jerk! I'm not just gonna let that slide."

Sasuke sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before staring directly into Naruto's bigs blues, "Look, _Naruto._ I'll make you a deal. If you can help me make the best of this stupid buzz, and the headache that will, inevitably, ensue, I will protect you from my own personal stalker-brigade. Your proverbial brake lines will remain uncut, and your parents will be safe from any and all hostage situations."

"So you'll help me? If I...?"

Sasuke smirked, moving in so his lips hovered beside the blonde's ear, "_If you dance with me._"

"G-gah! Don't _do _that, man!"

"No deal?"

"_Deal! _Just don't...ugh...just...c'mon." Naruto pulled open the hatch, waiting for Sasuke to descend first before taking a deep breath.

"I can't wait to see all the little Uchimaki babies, un."

"_Shut up!"_

The Bomb Shelter's dance club was, as it turned out, rather impressive.

The place was like a huge cavern with sturdy metal catwalks lining the walls and dancing cages littered in strategic areas.

The ground floor boasted an elevated dance floor overlooked by the DJ booth, the VIP area, and a well-stocked bar. Strobe lights, lasers, and various other effect machines illuminated the mass of pulsing bodies periodically, and mist machines kept the dancers just cool enough to avoid overheating.

The music seemed to come from everywhere, echoing off the walls and rumbling through everything before settling in his heart and belly.

Sasuke didn't know whether to be interested or intimidated.

Until he felt Naruto's hand on his back. He glanced sideways, and his breath hitched, if only for a moment.

The blonde had pulled off his undershirt and stuffed it half into the hem of his pants, baring a gloriously tan chest and well-defined abs. Not to mention the tattoo that had sparked so much interest in the dark-haired man.

He watched Naruto's muscles quiver as he laughed, "Nice, huh?"

"Shut up and take me down there, moron."

"As my master wishes."

By the time they made it to a decent spot on the dance floor, the song had drawn to its conclusion, and the DJ was saying something about 'oomph'.

Sasuke had a hard time paying attention with all those muscles and all that ink staring back at him.

Naruto chuckled—Sasuke could tell, again, from the ripple in his muscles—before grasping Sasuke by the shoulders and turning him around, "Don't normally dance with guys, remember?"

"Don't dance at all. How are we doing this?"

"Like...," Warm hands settled about his waist, drawing him snuggly up against Naruto's pelvis, "_this_."

"H-hey..." Sasuke tried to move away, at least a bit, but Naruto held him close, moving both of them to the music.

The blonde leaned in to be heard above the intro of the music, "_You set my world on fire. You're such an awesome liar._"

"Gh?"

"_You put my soul on ice. I'm gonna pay the price._"

Singing—no, not singing—he was _growling along _with the song. And it was _hot._

"Sh-shit. Ah..." Sasuke let out a strangled breath as he leaned backwards, pressing his face into the side of Naruto's neck, "You _idiot._ Haa..."

"Ah-" Naruto flushed, realizing exactly what he was doing to his dark-haired dance partner and, quite rapidly, what he was doing to _himself, _"I'm, uh...gonna die tomorrow, right?"

"I already told you, idiot—"

"Right. So I'll make the best of what I've got."

"Gee, _thanks_."

"_You're welcome._"

It was about then that Sasuke felt a warm, calloused hand edging smoothly under the hem of his pants. Make the best of it, in_deed_.

Sasuke opened his mouth to protest, but shut it quickly as curious fingers traced over a very sensitive part of his anatomy.

Ah, what the hell.

Naruto could be straight again _tomorrow._

A/N: The long-awaited hath arrived. Sorry for that.

:)


	8. Stalling

The Sitter  
Part Eight: Stalling

_-__Your stall or mine?__-_

* * *

It shouldn't have been possible.

Naruto was a moron—tactless, loud, and rude. Incapable of sitting still for more than ten seconds.

So how in the hell did he find enough patience—enough _skill—_to manage _this?_

"Mmmmh. N-naruto?"

The blonde looked up at him from his place between the older boy's legs. Sasuke could practically feel him grinning into the denim of his thigh as he arched a brow.

_Well, congratulations on your victory. You've managed to confuse the living hell out of the poor, muzzy-headed gay boy. Ass._

"Mind telling me what you're doing?"

The blonde had been quick to whisk him to the bathroom and secure the perimeter, and quicker to push him up against the stall divider, assaulting his lips, tongue, and teeth.

Sasuke could almost believe that the boy had practice, but there was no way. He'd been on Sakura's tail for ages, and any other girl that he spoke to (with the merciful exception of Hinata) treated the boy like mono on two legs.

He was just too...enthusiastic.

Now _that _Sasuke could see. A strong, warm hand had made its way up under the dark-haired boy's shirt, tracing soft skin and delicate ridges before brushing against and _pinching _a nipple.

He moaned, of course, at the newest stimulus of the night, which also served to keep him distracted from what the rest of his sunny partner was up to.

When Sasuke opened his eyes, the rest of Naruto was gone. He blinked, about to open his mouth when he felt a _tongue _against the front of his pants. A kiss. A firm hand on his thigh and a thumb smoothing the fabric.

And now, here they were.

"Pretty sure I was about to give you a blow job, Sasuke. Do you not want a blow job?" His voice was unusually deep, and his eyes were nothing but teasing.

"You _shit_. Were you not the one hyperventilating when I nearly dropped my pants? You're _straight, _remember?"

Blue eyes narrowed, "Funny. You seemed pretty enthusiastic to me."

"This is not some dumbass drunken prank, Naruto. This is _sex_, or something damn close to it. I'm not going to put up with any bullshit about me tricking you when you're sober."

The blonde stood slowly, his hand running up Sasuke's side as he rose.

And then they were face to face.

"There you go. Let's just go...sit somewhere or something. Then you can drive me home when your head's clear."

"Sasuke," The blonde leaned close, "All evening you've been with me, and you're pretty observant."

"So?"

"So...all this time you've been with me...have you seen me order a fresh drink?"

"..."

"I'm not drunk, genius."

"Then why, precisely, are you doing this?"

Naruto sighed, the hand under Sasuke's shirt slipping down to join its brother near his hips.

"Look, Sasuke. I think it's pretty obvious that you don't think I'm a complete loser, right?"

"...You're not."

"And you're not the complete jackass that I thought _you _were, right?"

"Gee, I hope not."

"So..."

"So you like me. All of a sudden. Just like that. You like me enough to give me a blow job in a bathroom stall."

Another sigh.

"I just...I'm trying to figure that out. I mean, I think you're attractive. That's pretty obvious, too..." His eyes darted down briefly, as if to indicate his own interest, "But what you said earlier...about people being obsessed with having your babies..."

Sasuke frowned, "What about it?"

"I thought that...maybe...," his thumbs resumed stroking at the pale skin at Sasuke's hips, "Maybe it's time someone made you feel good, no strings attached."

Something inside the Uchiha _squeezed _and his cheeks felt hot.

"So," Naruto leaned in, just a little, his eyes focused intently on Sasuke's, looking to catch any hesitation, "Can I make you feel good, Sasuke?"

"You just did, moron."

"Huh?" Naruto blinked, drawing a way to study him, "I did? H-hey! You're smiling."

"Yeah. I am." Sasuke relaxed, just a little, ignoring the dull ache as he shifted his legs, and looped an arm around the blonde's neck, "Kiss me."

Naruto obeyed, his lips and tongue a welcome warmth. Sasuke hummed against him, taking a bit of soft, blonde hair between his fingers and toying with it.

"So I take it that's a 'no' on the blow job?"

He smiled against the idiot's lips, unused to this kind of contentment, but basking in it nonetheless, "Never on the first date, straight boy."

* * *

By the time Sasuke stumbled into his family home, the whirlwind of the night seemed to be calming in his mind, leaving him floating in a pleasant cloud. Cushioned as he was in the smell of Naruto's soap, gasoline, and various other night-time perfumes, he didn't even curse when he cracked his shin on one of the Uchiha clan's various living room obstacles.

All that escaped was a muzzy little 'nph' as he rubbed his sore leg, and a similar, curious sound as he noticed the dim light coming from the kitchen.

"Would you look at that grin. Had a good night, Cheshire?"

Tsunade was holding court in their luxuriously appointed kitchen in a pair of tiny shorts, one of his brother's old shirts, and her old cowgirl boots, a knowing smile on her face as she perched—she always perched, never sat—on the too-expensive countertop.

Sasuke arched a brow, "I thought you'd given up alcohol."

"Alcohol, yes. Ice cream, no. If _that_ was part of the nuptials, I'd have killed your brother for the life insurance_ on the honeymoon_."

He canted his head and shrugged his shoulders, because hey, he would have, too.

"So," Pretty red lips curved upwards, and she moved the tub of ice cream to the side closer to him before offering him a clean spoon, "Spill?"

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

A/N: Yes. I know. Grr. Argh. Pitchforks. 'Where's the sex?'. I was working myself up to write some citrus, here. I really was. Problem is, I really don't think they _would _just yet. I think it would be a lot more plausible for the relationship to get a little less 'Hurr hurr, yer lyke toe-tully hawt' and a little more, 'Hey, I like you for more than your penis' before that happens. So, yes, this just got longer.

...*Sobs* _Why do I do this to myself? _That's not to say there's going to be major whackadoodle drama llama invasions. We're just going to explore their relationship some more, with Naruto coming into a mature point of view and Sasuke getting a really big fangirl-whooping stick.

Also, bonus: It's 2:12 am as I'm writing this. I was SO tempted to make Lady Gaga Kazue's mother. I have no fucking idea _why_, but it was so very tempting. -.-


	9. Couch, in Kodak

**A/N: **Hey, all. Good news. I actually have the next few chapters outlined already, so there may be a little bit better of an update schedule. Also, the people that read Paper, Rock, Scissors are whooping your butts in the fanart department. XD

**Important: **For those of you wondering how in the hell Tsunade and Itachi could have become a couple, it's actually a _fascinating _story. And it's being posted as a series of scattered oneshots, which will begin posting tonight. ;) Check out "Her Boots", if you're interested.

Thank you all for sticking with the story. I wanted to get this out for all of you, even though it's finals week. To **Yaoi's Bitch_, _**thanks for the wishes. I think I might be passing. x3 **Jelp, **bless you for understanding. **Mina**, at the point in the story, he'd sobered up a little, and he was fairly disturbed by the prospect of being disappointed _again. _I hope that helps. **Zerofangirl, **I'm glad you enjoy the story so much, even moreso that you don't wave the sharp thingies at me. And **Mukina**, it's hiding from youuuu. To everyone else who reviewed, COOKIES FOR ALL!

-Onward!

* * *

The Sitter  
Part Nine: Couch, in Kodak

_-As a general response to 'cute', deny __**everything.**__-_

* * *

Naruto's return home was a lot less 'Sex and the City' and a lot more 'Watch for Condoms'. He was fairly certain he'd overheard his would-be mother telling the silver-haired bane of his mental health that he was officially sexiled, but Iruka was Iruka.

If Kakashi had worked the lead out of his ass and done a suitable bit of ass kissing (both literal and figurative in ways that Naruto could _never _unsee), the royal proclamation may well have been overturned.

In which case, Naruto really should be watching what he touched, because said proclamation may have been overturned enthusiastically in any number of places around the apartment. Hoping for a condom was a 'best case scenario' kind of thing, as Naruto generally tried to leave his shoes by the front door, where Iruka liked them.

Then again, no matter how much mystery dirt Naruto tracked in, Iruka never could stay mad at him for long. If anything could be said for his foster father, it would be that he had done well for himself when it came to finding a partner.

Approaching the couch which had earlier been proclaimed Kakashi's place of banishment, Naruto stood on tiptoe, peeking over the back to see if the dragon was indeed slumbering in his own well-stuffed Siberia.

And yes indeed, there he was.

Naruto smirked, feeling his chest fill with the vindictive satisfaction of the avenged juvenile as he took in the sight of his foster father's sleeping form. Kakashi was twisted into an awkward position, his arms folding the decorative throw pillow that had been lobbed oh-so-lovingly launched at his head earlier into what passed for neck support, and his hips and knees were bent up in an attempt to fit onto the couch.

Simply put, he looked _uncomfortable_.

And it was with that in mind that Naruto's sudden vindictive amusement dissolved, leaving him to deflate like a popped children's balloon. One of the obnoxious ones with the scary faces. The ones that _no one _was ever sorry to see flying out of reach and into the troposphere or meeting their scrappy demise at the end of a needle.

He felt like a tool.

Naruto sighed and bit his lip, looking back up at the scrunched-up figure on the couch through his bangs, the way he had done since childhood. This was the 'Daddy, I'm sorry' look. The sincere one. The same one he'd had when he found out what 'adopted' meant in grade school and when he'd landed himself in detention for fighting some homophobic idiot in middle.

Once upon a time, he'd come home with a few droopy little flowers he'd picked on the way home—often mixed with a few pretty weeds. He remembered, vaguely, a time when his parents had been _unable _to stay angry because he'd grabbed hold of some poison oak during his little apology harvest.

This time, no flowers or weeds or sudden ailments to offer in apology, he looked around for anything to make his father just a little bit more comfortable.

* * *

By the time he padded back in with the big, warm blanket lovingly worn from years of 'family cuddling', Kakashi was waiting for him, eyes surprisingly clear for someone so fresh from sleep and quick to check him over for any visible injury. Really, the man could be an insensitive idiot, sometimes, but Naruto had no doubt that he would have broken the legs of any number of childhood bullies, had Iruka not kept an eye on him.

When his analysis led him to the old blanket, his eyes grew notably softer.

* * *

'Family cuddling' had been a sad little euphemism, employed primarily for Naruto's benefit. His parents had been young when Kakashi had entered the bitter undertaking that was gaining custody of Naruto. Fresh from school and still learning, still growing up themselves.

They had worked themselves near to the bone, trying to earn enough money to keep themselves alive and in-custody, and central heating had been a luxury that they just couldn't afford in such unstable times. So they had managed to find a few soft bargain blankets and sew them together with messy stitches and no small amount of punctured fingers. All so they could huddle together in the colder months, in that crappy old apartment, drinking lukewarm water chocolate and talking about utter nonsense.

They were young and stupid, certainly, but no one could ever say that they were anything short of _heroes_ when it came to caring for their child. _Their_ child. That was constant. What had once been a reasonably fulfilling college relationship had become a family. A strange one, but a constant one, nonetheless.

Naruto had once used that same, shoddily-stitched blanket to present them with his piggy bank so they could get real 'married people' rings, like the other mommies and daddies had.

And where other caretakers may have downplayed his childish offering, his had gingerly taken the thing, siphoned the savings from the bottom and into an old, salvaged water cooler, and let him help decorate and label the 'Married People' jug. And when the thing finally filled up, supplemented by the much more stable incomes present a few years later, they had made good on their promise.

Best money Naruto ever spent.

* * *

When Kakashi's gaze swept back to Naruto's expression, he forewent any standard greeting and went straight for arching his eyebrow.

Expecting.

Typical.

Tonight, Naruto didn't mind so much.

He smiled, shifting the blanket in his arms for a better grip, "Hi, dad."

Kakashi answered with a little quirk of his lips, and the blonde tossed one edge of the blanket up and over the older man, letting it drape from the back of the couch as he took a seat. He shifted a little while his father watched patiently, situating himself with his back resting against the frame, effectively covering them both as he wrapped the other edge of the cloth around himself.

Naruto sighed, muscles relaxingwhen he felt the man's fingers start combing through his hair, gentle and comforting after long years of practice. He didn't even bristle at that last little trace of smugness that found its way in when Kakashi drawled, "Get any?"

Couldn't bring himself to do so much as growl. Hell, as long as he kept up the petting, Naruto was fairly certain the man could sell his kidney on Craigslist, and he wouldn't care.

"Mmm...Less talk-y, more scratch-y."

Kakashi chuckled at that, a deep, genuine sound that Naruto had absolutely _loved _ferreting out of him as he grew up. Still loved it _now._ Maybe the man _did _have his good points, after all...

Naruto fell asleep leaning against the couch, Kakashi's hands still running through soft blonde hair as one of them—it was impossible to be quite sure who—hummed some absent tune, low and quiet.

Certain of his solitude, Kakashi leaned a bit to press a kiss to his son's crown.

It amazed him _still _when he managed to do something right.

He sighed, partly out of relief and partly out of general contentment with his life, and relaxed against the backboard, still absently stroking.

He wasn't expecting the sudden kiss pressed against his cheek, and blinked owlishly (or as close as Kakashi could come) at his partner. The smile that met him was worth a million pillows to the head. Contagious, too.

"He had a good time?" Iruka asked, lowering his voice to avoid disturbing the sleeping blonde.

"Mm."

A soft laugh, then, "Starting tomorrow, your bed privileges are reinstated."

"_Mmmm_."

Iruka rolled his eyes, still unable to stop smiling, and took a moment to look at his lover. Not to examine, not to undress, just to _look_.

He liked what he saw.

Another kiss, this time to the lips, and a devilish little wink.

"I'm going to go get my camera."

* * *

**A/N:** To the people who said 'hell with this' at the long-ass Author's note at the beginning. ItaTsu explanation series. "Her Boots". Read it, bitches. :P Keep the love coming, if you please. :)


	10. Of Mornings and Monogamy

**A/N: **And here's the next chapter, you impatient little nutjobs. I have too many of these thiiiings. T.T

Special thanks to **OmNomN0mnivore **for taking the time to review every...single...chapter. o.o I think I love you. And thank all of you for helping me reach over 100 reviews! I'm so glad you like it. Also, once I figure out who the hundredth reviewer was, I'd be happy to take a request to commemorate your wonderfulness. :3

* * *

The Sitter  
Part Ten : Of Mornings and Monogamy

_-__As a general rule, your five-year-old doesn't really need to know about 'putting a ring on it'.__-_

_

* * *

_

By the time Naruto woke up, it was too late.

Iruka had long since pulled out the camera, taken what he determined to be an appropriate amount of heartwarming family photos, and covered him with an additional comforter.

Which was amazing, considering that Iruka hated it when the comforters touched the floor. Once that happened, they tended to get dirty, and it was a massive pain to shove the things into their washer.

Still, it was fairly entertaining to watch, as it always involved Iruka jumping up and down, throwing all of his weight down onto his great orange nemesis. In this battle, he would accept no help, and Kakashi had long since learned that cuddling would net him an elbow aimed at or below the belt.

Naruto's sheets, simply put, were Iruka's problem.

At least he woke wrapped in the soothing scents of Apple Mango Tango before the twisting, burning pain in his neck came to his attention.

He groaned, letting his head roll back against the cushion, but the angle wasn't any better for his sore muscles.

"Sore?"

His eyes slid over to catch Kakashi's loaded grin before he squeezed them shut with a long-suffering groan, "Why? It's first thing in the morning. Couldn't you hold off on being an asshole for a _little while_?"

"Sorry, kid. My special pervert training allows me to wait for no man."

Another pathetic groan.

"And it's more like second thing. You have about...twenty minutes until class?"

"Mother_fuck!_" Naruto flew upright, pausing a moment to yelp and clutch at his neck, before running to grab his bag and go.

He ran for the front door at what may well have been record speed, chanting prayers to the attendance-god as he hopped back into his shoes.

"_Good morning, Sunshine~!_" Kakashi sang after him.

"I hope something eats you!"

"_Have a nice day at school~!_"

The door slammed, and Iruka sighed, eying his idiot-partner, "You know, one of these days, he's going to find a way to kill you without leaving any evidence."

The sound of Naruto's motorcycle starting up filtered in through the walls, and Kakashi grinned, "Maybe he'll use the cash for a real set of wheels."

* * *

Sasuke's morning routine was, mercifully, far more pleasant.

He had managed to situate himself rather comfortably in his bed after sharing the warm, fuzzy feelings with his sister-in-law.

It never ceased to amaze him what a strange match Tsunade was for his brother. Everything about her screamed 'free spirit', and Sasuke had been fairly certain his brother was violently allergic to those.

He didn't mind standing corrected.

It was fun watching Itachi try to handle 'some assembly required' with dignity each time they purchased anything bigger than a teddy bear for Kazue.

For all of his business dealings, it seemed Itachi was far better at cursing the Chinese than reading their directions. For her part, Tsunade just sat on the couch, laughing at him.

He was a man. He needed no help.

Except the one occasion on which he'd accepted a drive to the hospital after nearly taking off his thumb on the tasteful wooden crib his parents had shipped from Germany.

Tsunade relished being able to explain that, no, they were not looking for the maternity ward and that she would, indeed, 'have the damn baby here' if she wanted to.

It would have served the snooty little nursing intern right.

...Sometimes, Sasuke would have sworn the woman was G-d.

He woke up to her leaning in his door frame, Kazue balanced on one hip, still yawning and rubbing at his eyes, muzzily soaking up his mother's warmth.

"Didn't think you'd remember to set your alarm." She grinned, "Kazue wanted to say good morning."

"Sas'ke get laid?" Kazue lilted in eight A.M. Five-year-old, earning a horrified look from his uncle, "He—I didn't—it wasn't me."

"Oh, I know. I told him you were going out," She grinned, "Uncle Sasuke's waiting for monogamy, baby. Naruto has to put a ring on it first."

"Tsunade, what are you telling that boy?" Itachi's voice rumbled from his study, and both adults paled.

If Tsunade was G-d, Itachi was Satan.

And Kazue was as fearless as a saint.

He wriggled in his mother's grasp until she was forced to set him down, and he was off like a light, calling out with childish delight, "Daddy! Daddy! Naru' put a ring!"

"Well, isn't he Mister Misinformation." She seemed nothing if not proud.

"If that's what you want to call it." Sasuke mumbled, "...Good morning."

"Morning to you, too, studly. Ready to see your date without the residual beer goggles?"

"I wasn't that drunk." He grumbled, but she just laughed.

"Neither was he. So get up out of bed, strut that ass back to campus, and plant one on him. I don't want to hear anymore of this Nervous Nancy bullshit."

He opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off.

"Sweet cheeks, if you can get a skirt chaser that famous to try to blow you sober, there is nothing you can't wrap around your little finger. Trust me. I know a few things."

She nearly sashayed her way out, presumably to find the rest of her family, and Sasuke was left wondering what exactly she knew:

Blowing people, or wrapping things around her little finger?

…

Probably both.

* * *

Their campus was amazingly small, for such a prestigious school. It had never really occurred to Naruto before that morning.

Sure, everyone pretty much knew who he was, but that was mostly because of the parade of fiascoes that made up his attempts at attracting his long-time crush. That, and his tendency to pull pranks with masterful style.

Still, he was a nice guy, and people knew it. Regardless of how loud or obnoxious he may have been. When he smiled, it was contagious. People couldn't help but forgive him.

But today...

He wasn't so certain.

The minute he set foot in class—no, on _campus—_he felt as if he was being watched. As if he were a particularly choice cut of meat, and the student body was starving.

This was not quite the kind of attention he liked, and he liked most every kind of attention.

After his first class, he made his way to the student union, headed for the locker he kept on campus.

Only to be headed off midway by none other than Sakura Haruno, childhood 'friend' and long-time crush. She looked even less happy to see him than usual, which was saying something.

"Naruto." She greeted shortly, forcing a thin smile, "You wouldn't _believe _the crazy rumor I heard this morning."

He doubted that. He doubted that very much.

Especially the morning part.

Ino had a death-grip on the gossip mill, and she operated her monopoly at all hours. Sakura was like the mad vice president of her crazy-girl information conglomerate. There was no way it would take her that long to find out.

He thought she was cute, but that didn't mean she didn't scare him shitless sometimes.

Like now.

She had taken his hand, by the time he came out of la la land, and he could feel her nails digging for blood.

"W-what rumor's that, Sakura?"

"I heard some people saying that you," She paused, her grip tightening again, "And _Sasuke_," Her voice softened to almost a sigh, "Went out on a date."

'Date' came out more like, 'Filthy blasphemic sodomy fest'.

Naruto was scared.

"Ahaha. You heard that, huh?"

"Mhm," She replied, "Funny, isn't it?"

"Hilarious." He agreed, thinking back on last night's conversation. Here, with Sakura trying to dissect his hand with her nails, probing for any kind of information about the object of her obsession, it seemed like exhibit A in Sasuke's case.

He imagined Sakura, pretty Sakura, childhood dream Sakura, with a pair of sharp fangs, a plastic sample cup, and a bottle of lubricant, ready for harvesting.

'Hilarious', he'd said. And suddenly it was.

Which was why he burst out laughing.

Sakura couldn't release his hand fast enough.

"No comment, Sakura." He managed to gasp out.

She punched him before storming off, but he couldn't stop laughing.

Hey.

She was the one who'd said it was funny.

* * *

The look on Kiba's face when he and Neji caught up to the blonde was one that Naruto recognized. He referred to it as the 'kicked puppy', and he usually saw it after Kiba had either _done_ something extraordinarily stupid or talked _him _into doing something extraordinarily stupid.

Most often, this look was seen from a prone position, before or after a ride to the hospital. As irritated as Naruto might have been, he was relieved to be looking at it upright.

"Did you guys _want _me dead?"

Neji put up his hands, "I had nothing to do with it. It was all _this _genius, here."

"I didn't mean to, Naru, I promise! Ino used her freaky hypno-mind tricks on me."

Naruto arched a brow, looking at Neji for confirmation.

The dark-haired man rolled his eyes, "She came over to 'validate her information' and threatened to neuter his dog."

Naruto snorted.

Kiba started up yet another speech on Akamaru's right to remain 'free in the breeze', but stopped short, looking Naruto up and down, sniffing lightly before a massive grin spread over his face, "Somebody had a good night, huh?"

Neji glared at him, and Kiba pointed to Naruto's outfit, "The evidence is right there, man! Check out the rumpled clothes, the faint smell of sweat and alcohol, the crick in the neck—kinky, man—our little Naru lost his V Card last night."

It was Naruto's turn to roll his eyes, "That's nasty, man. I just didn't have time to change when I woke up. I fell asleep by the couch, because I felt bad for getting the king of the perverts sexiled."

The shit-eating grin didn't waiver for a second, "Gui~lty?"

"...I had a good time." He mumbled.

"With the great ice prince Uchiha?"

"With Sasuke."

"Worth getting punched in the face?"

Kiba looked skeptical, but Naruto smiled, shaking his head. "I wouldn't mind if she nailed me in the crotch. ...Okay, maybe a little, but I'd get over it."

"That's reassuring."

Naruto blinked, surprised by the sudden interjection, but he adopted a silly little smile quickly enough, "Speak of the devil and he shall appear."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, drawing close to finger the nasty-looking bruise forming on Naruto's cheek, "You confuse me with my brother. ...Sakura?"

"I think she's in kick boxing or something."

"She teaches the class."

"Oh. _Oh._ That's why she got so busy. Anyway, yeah. I remembered what you said last night, about the DNA harvesting, so I started laughing at her. Guess she didn't like that."

"Girls usually don't." Neji admonished, looking questioningly at the other dark-haired man.

Naruto beamed, "Guys, Sasuke. Sasuke, Neji and Kiba."

Kiba looked nothing if not unnerved, "Yeah. Hi..."

"Ice prince Uchiha."

"Yeah. We'll, uh, see you later."

Sasuke cracked an amused smile, "Seems like it, big mouth."

Kiba was too busy laughing to feel insulted.

It was up to Neji, ever put-upon Neji, to lead him away.

. . .

Sasuke waited until both men were out of sight before resuming his examination, "...Does it hurt?"

"Not as much as the crick in my neck."

"Ah."

A quick, light kiss replaced the pads of Sasuke's fingers before his—Date? Boyfriend? Makeout buddy?—slid behind him, those same fingers moving to dig into the sore muscles of his neck and shoulders.

"Mmmm." The blonde made a noise somewhere between a hum and a moan as the pain and tension were worked away by expert hands.

"Consider it a family talent. Lots of _tension_." He pressed a particularly tough knot, and Naruto nearly melted.

"Can I keep you? Please?"

"...Only because you asked so nicely." Sasuke hid his smile in the other's shoulder before looking up, spotting a pair of familiar females. "Don't look now, but I think Sakura might have 'validated her information.'"

Naruto's eyes cracked open, and he whined lowly, "Damn it. They're going to kill me. You should've taken that blow job when you had the chance."

Sasuke chuckled, "Don't you remember our deal?"

"...Don't pick up the soap?"

A snort.

"I said I'd protect you, you big baby."

"What are you gonna do?"

Sasuke grinned, and suddenly Naruto felt just a little bit trapped and a little turned on, "Just because _you _won't hit a girl..."

Maybe the whole 'Gay' thing had its advantages, after all.

* * *

**A/N: **This isn't the end. It might seem like it, but this definitely isn't the end. Stay tuned, buggies, if you like the fluff-stuff, there's some more coming. And eventually, we'll pick the citrus tree. -.-


	11. Lawsuits Everywhere

**A/N: **Ogawd, how long has it been? There's been so much going on and…eeeee….I love you all. Pray for me to finish this research paper…

Edit: Now with more Neji and Gaara. Just a smidge. ;3

x-

* * *

-x

The Sitter  
Part Eleven : Lawsuits. Everywhere.

_- Behold, sandwiches as metaphor. …Or something. -_

_x-  
_

* * *

_-x  
_

As he sat, staring longingly at his steaming-hot bowl of carbohydrate-intensive goodness, Naruto was aware of two things:

One, that it was really damn hard to eat ramen with your dominant arm in a sling, and two, that his shiny new boyfriend was kind of an asshole.

Sasuke, for his part, displayed remarkable composure for a pampered rich boy on a half-busted bar stool watching his significant other swear up a blue streak—and a green streak, and a yellow streak, and a purple streak—at his soup.

It had only been a few days since they had come out. Or been outed. Whatever. Naruto was pretty sure it didn't count as coming out when there was a mob of angry coeds waiting outside the closet door with bricks in their handbags.

He was also pretty sure that he was developing a reflexive twitch in response to the standard camera phone exposure sounds. At first, they'd made him feel guilty—like he was doing bad, and every female in the vicinity was preparing to make a citizen's arrest.

And then it had started to piss him off.

-x

* * *

x-

So he hooked up with Mr. Popular.

So what?

It wasn't like Naruto had woken up one morning and decided to hit Sasuke with the Suck Me Stick. If anything, Sasuke had been the one to coax Naruto into the whole 'Two Dudes, One Relationship' thing.

Try explaining that to _Them_. Yes, 'Them'. As sad as it was, Naruto found his ability to enjoy the company of the females of his species severely hindered by the local flora's tendency to attempt—if not to kill him, then—to handicap him _hard_.

So eventually, it became a lot easier to grab the first ugly pink cellular monstrosity that came just a _little _too close to his face…and snap it in _half_.

The petite redhead had nailed him pretty hard in the gut, but he was pretty sure her hand was smarting just as much as his stomach. Either way, the feeling of euphoric triumph was only bolstered by the sudden and absolute _silence_ that followed his little fit of destructive rage.

He could just see the hesitation in their beady little eyes as they tried to determine whether or not photographic evidence was worth risking their trendy plastic lifelines.

And then one of them had lifted her phone, snapped the picture of him standing there, claws still tightly wrapped around the listless remains of his pageant pink nemesis, and declared, "Uzumaki, you are _so _fucked."

"Not yet, I'm not." He growled, one fucking chirp-snap-crunch away from the edge of a sexually-frustrated paranoia-fueled meltdown when Sasuke decided that it was probably time to diffuse the situation.

A lot.

He cleared his throat and straightened himself out, gracefully unfolding from where Naruto had left him—just a little flustered—against the art studio B lockers. Initially, he'd been pretty opposed to the blatant PDA thing, but the school-wide surveillance kick left him feeling a whole lot more exhibitionist.

Still, he probably should have seen this coming.

He moved to stand by the cracked blonde, prying open his fingers to allow the broken phone to fall to the ground. It landed with a cheap smack and made a sad, fizzling peeping noise before finally giving up the fight.

(Sasuke cheered inside his mind.)

Then, adopting something frighteningly similar to his brother's 'corporate takeover, bend over please' smile, he made his announcement:

"The next person who takes a picture of myself or Naruto without our verbal or written consent can expect a nice, cripplingly expensive lawsuit within three business days. Any takers?"

"U-umm…" Of course. There had to be at least one aspiring pre-law student in the mass of tech-savvy stalkers. "Actually, I'm pretty sure we've got some wiggle room here—(G-d, Sasuke hated that term)—I mean, as long as no one sells the picture or posts it or anything, you can't possibly win a lawsuit like that."

Sasuke didn't miss a beat.

"It's nice to think so, isn't it? But, _ah_, win or lose—you could be tied up in litigation for _months_. Red tape is _awfully _sticky."

"You…you can't do that!"

"Do you have an attorney?"

"…My family does."

"Ah, mine has one or two. And we like to play a little game. Go to your attorney, and mention the words 'lawsuit' and 'Uchiha Itachi'. See what happens. Just not near any windows."

And then he grabbed Naruto's hand and led him away. Before rounding the corner, though, he tossed the girl another faux-cheerful smile and said, "Or you could just leave us the fuck alone."

-x

* * *

x-

They called Iruka and Kakashi into the office.

Naruto was a _college student_, and they called his parents into the office.

After the mandatory awkward introductions—"Oh, you're the father. No? Yes? Is it you? You're…both…the father."—the dean had laid it all out on the table.

It was simply unacceptable for a maturing young man like Naruto to damage other people's property over a simple misunderstanding.

By the time the pasty old man had wound around to the end of his guilt-trip/discipline shtick, Naruto was about ready to vault over the pricy oak desk and do some _real _damage—

"…And apparently, there was also a threat of legal action? You know, that's an awfully serious thing to be throwing about like that."

"Okay, that was so totally not me."

"Who was it, then, Mr. Uzumaki?"

"My younger brother."

There was no knock, no warning, just Itachi Uchiha filling up the doorway in his expensive suit, briefcase at his side, elegant brow arched. He was like the poster boy for meticulous corporate homicide.

"I'm sorry, sir, this is a private conference."

"I understand that you feel the need to hold a parent-teacher conference in order to infantilize my client, but I think I may have something here that can clear this whole thing up."

There was an imposing 'thud' and a stack of papers roughly the thickness of a junior bible settled on the administrator's desk.

"I find it _deeply _disturbing that a so-called institution for higher learning would enable this kind of red light behavior in its students. Stalking? Harassment? Invasion of privacy? Are you familiar with those terms? Because they make a few appearances."

"I…"

"Let's take a look through your school's financial statements, shall we?"

The conference ended early.

-x

* * *

x-

Later, lying together on Sasuke's bed with a dozing Kazue between them, Naruto finally remembered to ask the question that had been nagging at him.

"Hey, I know you said that you could keep someone tied up in legal BS for a while without any real cause, but couldn't that get your brother in a lot of trouble?"

"Itachi and I… My father told us something when we were little. You know what it was?"

"'Take no prisoners'? 'Go forth and conquer'? 'Only one of you will leave this place alive'?"

Sasuke stared blankly at him until the silly grin faltered and he grumbled an embarrassed apology.

The dark-haired man snorted, unable to fight off the little smile as he toyed with a few soft strands of his nephew's hair.

"Whoever tells the best story wins."

"Oh. So…?"

"Think about it, but don't dwell on it." Sasuke transferred the smile to his boyfriend for a moment before Kazue stirred in his sleep.

-x

* * *

x-

But if there was one thing Uzumaki Naruto tended to do—other than inhale ramen, win over children and laugh at stupid jokes—it was _dwell_.

If there were a leasing agreement for tenancy in what Sasuke had told him, it would have been signed in Naruto's blood.

So as soon as his counterpart rolled off the bed to take Kazue to his mother, the wheels in the sunny blonde's head cranked into overdrive. There had to be something he could tell all of those girls to get them to stop glaring at him—or at least to do it from a less noticeable distance.

Naruto was a naturally happy person—the kind that _meant_ it when they asked how you were, and who would run out into a 2 AM thunderstorm and wade hip-deep in mud to help push your truck out of a rut.

It made him happy to make people happy.

…And this whole 'palpable fog of hatred' thing was seriously affecting his cheer-o-meter.

If it kept up for too much longer, he worried that he might shrivel and wilt. And then they'd trample all over him to get to Sasuke.

"Aaaugh!" Naruto huffed, puffing out his cheeks and tossing his arms over his head.

There _had _to be a way _out _of this!

Sure, most of the girls didn't _like _him, but that didn't mean they couldn't pity him at _all_, right?

Hell, even Sakura took pity on him now and then—it _hit_ him.

Not as hard as the redhead whose cell he'd trashed—and he had to admit she packed a pretty decent punch—but still—

_**Boom.**_

_Sakura. _

If anyone could claim leadership over the pack of angry coeds waiting to assist him in an impromptu flight down the nearest set of stairs, it was Sakura.

The other girls, he didn't really know—but if he could tell a story good enough to convince _Sakura_…

"Hey. You look like you're going into labor. What the hell are you thinking about?"

Naruto blinked, too surprised to stop himself from pouting up at his smirking boyfriend. It wasn't all that bad, really, once the Uchiha laughed and reached out to touch his hair.

"Ha _ha!_" Naruto quipped triumphantly before snatching the looming wrist and using it to pull the other man down on top of him. "Victory for the Neanderthals!"

Sasuke struggled to prop himself up, but stubborn tanned arms squeezed him to the blonde's warm body. Naruto felt him snort into the fabric of his tee-shirt, and wondered briefly if Uchihas were allowed to do that.

"You're such a loser."

Naruto was quick to put away the thoughts from moments before.

Because if there was one more thing Naruto tended to do, it was to enjoy the hell out of tactfully-stunted Uchiha Sasuke.

-x

* * *

x-

Asshole.

The proper term was asshole.

Preceded by 'Sasuke is an'.

When Naruto finally came up with a plan to win the pink-haired girl's forgiveness—and hopefully her alliance—he decided not to tell the dark-haired boy. After all, Sasuke would probably just mock him and say something about 'oversexed harpies' again.

While Naruto took remarkably well to exploring his newly-expanded preferences, he wasn't really up for deriding females as gene-usurping monsters. And he doubted he ever would be.

It freaked him out a little to imagine a girl he'd thought of as an earthbound goddess for the majority of his snot-filled childhood as an evil force bent on his destruction, all for the sake of procreation.

Granted, he'd laughed at the image the first day, but it was a little painful once reality sunk its teeth in.

He'd become the Number One Enemy to Women on campus, beating out even _Professor Orochimaru's _creep factor just by _**going on a date**_.

Clearly, the universe had Kakashi's sense of humor.

When it all came down to brass tacks, Naruto was an optimist. He wanted to execute his plan with a smile on his face and hope in his heart, and Sasuke would probably have put a damper on that little expedition.

In retrospect, Sasuke might have been a little bit right.

But he didn't have to rub shit in.

Especially not while Naruto was sitting on a hospital cot, coddling his still-throbbing limb.

-x

* * *

x-

After Naruto had done his level best to win Sakura's favor with a somewhat prettied-up version of the coerced date, and the sudden sweet friendship that had welled up between two boys lost in a sea of uncertainty as the world of adulthood loomed ever closer, she studied him quietly for a few moments.

"Wow," She said finally, "Are you sure you're not an English major?"

The blonde winced a little, though he'd been distantly proud that there _was _a form of recognition for the masterful bullshitting he had performed.

At least she wasn't going for the eyes.

…Or the gut. Damn if it wasn't _still sore_.

He rubbed thee spot gingerly as she looked him over again, arching a brow at him.

"I've known you since you were gumming race cars into my hair, you moron. Do you really think I wouldn't see through a story that ridiculous? Did you get pointers from _Lee_?"

"…Maybe a little. But he's always apologizing—for, like, _everything_! And you're nice to _him_, so I figured—he _really likes you_, by the way. I think he compared your eyes to gemstones, or something else that's really expensive. I kind of stopped paying attention after the third seasonal analogy…"

His nervous babbling petered off as her expression remained unimpressed. Yeah, her eyes were rocks, all right—hard and heavy and not involved at all with the boy who'd obsessed over her for years.

She was probably even regretting those times she'd been nice to him.

"You're a horrible liar, which makes it even more insulting. 'Blossom of youthful friendship' my ass, Naruto—you're nothing but a jerk. You've always gone out of your way to embarrass me, but this? Are you _joking?_ Who am I kidding, you're _always _joking. Well, this isn't funny. You know, people told me all the time to just cut you off, but I thought _eventually_ you'd grow up. I thought you were just an awkward kid, but this is…this is _scary _low."

Something in Naruto trembled and snapped as Sakura went about his thorough dressing-down. She…she didn't understand him at all, did she? He'd tried for years, thinking that she'd eventually warm up to him, when all he'd been to her was a pity case—a dumb dog.

He didn't feel like such a cheerful person, anymore.

"Shut up."

Sakura glared at him, prepared to retaliate in force, but stopped short at the look on his face. …She'd never seen that look, before. Not even when the loudmouth started picking fights with any jerk dumb enough to mention his family. And he was a _monster_ when people insulted his family.

That look wasn't supposed to be leveled at _her_.

"You're right. I was lying. Mostly to myself, it sounds like. See, I thought you were such hot shit." He laughed bitterly, "I mean, I used to think about these stupid little things—like one time, maybe a year or two after we started school together. Kakashi and Iruka were really busy, and Iruka forgot to pack me a lunch. I thought they were mad at me, that they didn't want me anymore. Do you know how scary that was? I thought you did, 'cause I was sitting out on the swings while everyone was eating and talking and not giving a shit, and then you came over and asked if I wanted to share your lunch. I thought you were G-d, Sakura. You didn't even ask why I was crying—you just told me if I kept up like that I'd puke and get even hungrier, and that mommies and daddies forgot sometimes. And then you shoved a sandwich at me. It was peanut butter and bananas, Sakura. I remember what fucking _flavor_ it was."

By this point, his eyes were squeezed tightly shut. She stayed quiet, and he continued.

"I didn't go out of my way to _embarrass_ you, Sakura. I just thought you were pretty much the only girl since my mom worth calling beautiful. Because you brushed me off a lot, but then you turned around and did things that made me think I wasn't such a giant waste of space. I wanted you to pay attention to me, because it felt nice when you did. I was even freaking out about you—before I even knew Sasuke was _that guy_—because I don't know. I've just always liked being around you. Maybe I was just misguided the whole time, about being in love or whatever. But right now I'd really like all of this shit to go away, because there's never going to be another peanut butter and banana sandwich. Because you think I'm just here to mess things up for you, but I'm not. I'm _really _not. …It's just with him, it's like that day on the playground times a hundred and I didn't mean to, Sakura, but I thought you'd get it somehow, because that started with you. I thought if I could just tell you right, you could smile at me and tell me that sometimes _people_ just forgot."

He opened his eyes, tears burning at the edges, and saw a blurry Sakura shifting uncomfortably where she stood.

He was turning to leave when she finally croaked, "Wow."

"…Yeah. Wow."

"Friday afternoon, I—tomorrow. That's tomorrow afternoon. I'm teaching a kick-boxing class. If you, uh…you can help me do an exhibition, that is…I can probably forgive you."

The tears had cleared enough for him to see a little tremor in the stubborn set of her chin and the tension in the muscles of her crossed arms. Like she had been trying to squeeze all of the air out.

"Tomorrow at…"

"Town Center. At two. If you're late, I'll kill you." She finished harshly and stormed away. Naruto fancied he could feel a breeze kicking up as she passed him by.

He heard her mutter, "You're still a _jerk_."

And then she was gone in a typhoon of quivering pink mystery.

Naruto didn't _get_ girls.

At _all_.

He wasn't exactly sure _what _had just happened, but it definitely wasn't funny anymore.

-x

* * *

x-

And it _really_ wasn't funny when he showed up, tired and vulnerable for Sakura's afternoon class only to have him grab her so she could take his arm, _twist_ it, and then _vault him over her head _before twisting it up and behind him and _everywhere but where it was supposed to go_.

He screamed—not like a little girl, thank _G-d_—and women started panicking and running for their personal belongings so that _someone _could dial 911.

For the most part, things were fuzzy, but he could remember looking up at Sakura, standing stock-still above him, her chest heaving like she was fucking _Xena _or something. For a second, he thought his heart was breaking, until he realized that she was _crying_.

It was a little embarrassing to admit, but he'd passed out a couple minutes after that.

-x

* * *

x-

The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital and his arm hurt like hell. There was someone messing with it, but they looked official, so he decided not to bitch.

"Ah, Mr. Uzumaki. You're awake. I'm sorry to ask this, but could you sit up for me?"

He did so obediently, swinging his feet over the side of the bed and letting them dangle there as the medical prodding continued.

He looked up from the smooth-looking floor and realized that Sasuke was sitting straight across from him in the visitor's chair. It might have reassured him if he didn't feel _completely _exposed and idiotic in the backless gown.

And if Sasuke didn't go straight to, "So I heard you volunteered to help with Sakura's kick-boxing class."

Naruto growled a little, averting his eyes.

"Iruka nearly had a stroke—it was nice meeting him, by the way; Kakashi introduced us. They're filling out paperwork. Neji and Kiba and a few other people are downstairs trying to find a suitably obnoxious get well animal."

The blonde furrowed his brows, staring accusingly at his lap. "Okay, so I'm a moron, are you happy? I'm a horrible, stupid person and I thought maybe if I got through to the _'queen of the harpies'_, she might take pity on my worthless soul."

"Oh, I wouldn't say she's a total harpy." Sasuke waved a hand towards the bedside table. Naruto leaned forward to get a brief look at the contents before the nurse scolded him back upright. Flower arrangement…Ziploc baggy?

He shot Sasuke an honestly clueless look, but the dark-haired man just shook his head, "She rode in with you, I think. On the ambulance. Because the women in her class freaked out and dialed the EMS instead of just driving you to the hospital. She ran out when I got here, but she came back with that, and told me a little about what happened."

"You must think I'm pretty stupid, huh?"

"Wouldn't say that, either."

The nurse finished up, jotted something down on his chart, and left with a little wave, not wanting to interrupt.

"…I just didn't think you were that gullible."

Naruto finally got another look at the mystery baggy, and suddenly he was crying like a baby—a little baby on a swing set.

Sasuke smiled a little at his scrunched-up face, realizing that this was somehow significant and willing to forgive a little, just this once, for the sake of the zany blonde with his stupid jokes and sunny smile.

"She said it was peanut butter and banana."

-x

* * *

x-

By the time that Neji and Kiba came back upstairs with the most obnoxiously amazing stuffed animal Naruto had ever _seen_—a purple, green and orange cartoonish zebra in huge 'nerd' glasses sitting upright in a _wheelchair_—he was pretty sure that he was on top of the world.

The whole world.

He could plug a volcano with his thumb and let it burn off and he wouldn't even care because things were looking good right about now.

He didn't say anything juvenile when Neji pulled Gaara into the room and introduced him as his boyfriend, and he didn't throw anything at Kiba when he claimed, loudly that Naruto and Sasuke were 'totally contagious, man!'.

He _did _crack a smile when Gaara quietly orchestrated a rather spectacular face plant for Kiba's squawking 'enjoyment'.

When Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon burst in with Iruka hot on their heels, he was genuinely pleased at the squirming mass of adolescent affection. And then Konohamaru turned back to give the Uchiha his best shit-eating grin before drawling, "Hey, _Naruto_—wanna buy a duck?"

For a moment, Sasuke looked as if he might have an aneurysm, but then he got that evil look in his eye. After wading through the mob of rugrats, he seized the blonde's chin and planted a firm kiss on his lips, earning a disgusted squeal from three retreating monster-babies. And one Inuzuka.

Naruto snorted.

Yeah. He could stay like this for a while.

And then his arm knocked against the bedframe.

-x

* * *

x-

There was a brief, glowing moment of joy as Naruto finally managed to coax a mouthful of noodles out of the bowl and towards his mouth with his remaining hand, but his hopes and dreams were shattered as they splashed back down, splattering hot broth on his face and shirt.

He let loose another impressive stream of curse words and threw down his chopsticks. He'd have asked for a fork, but Teuchi was in the middle of washing all of the utensils. There weren't many people who came around at this hour, and the old man was mostly staying open for his favorite dumb kid.

He glared sidelong at his boyfriend, who couldn't hide his own dark amusement, "You know, it's a good thing I don't have any dignity. And that I'm not hungry, or anything. Because that would _really_ suck."

Sasuke chuckles a little before shaking his head and pointing with his chopsticks—a rude gesture, but not an unsurprising one, from Sasuke—off to the blonde's other side.

He turned to look just as he felt himself being hugged from behind. Tightly, by something soft…

Houston, we have breasts.

"I'm not going to lie. For a second I was kind of happy I broke your arm. Except then I realized that I broke your arm, and that even though you do so much stupid shit, you've still always been really sweet. You don't deserve any of the bad things that have happened to you, and I'm pretty sure that thing about your mom was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I'm a bitch and I've been a bitch for a long time, but I'm hoping you can forgive me."

Naruto looked first at Sasuke and then at the bowl for some sort of answer, some elusive 'next step'.

"Without breaking your arm?"

He felt her flinch a little, but she stayed put, "…please?"

Naruto looked heavenwards, as if he were some world-weary saint before sighing, "Two conditions."

"Name 'em."

"The first is that you have to give Lee a chance. A real chance. Because if you think what I said about my mom was nice, you should listen to him go on about _just you_. It might be kind of long-winded and sappy and awkward but he _really_ means it."

She paused for a moment, contemplating the idea, and Naruto gave Sasuke a scolding look when he widened his eyes disbelievingly and held his fingers up to resemble Lee's eyebrows.

"Okay. What's the second one?"

Sasuke could swear he nearly got whiplash when the blonde looked pointedly at the bowl of noodles and let out a long, pathetic whimper:

"_**Feed**_ me!"

-x

* * *

A/N: So this update's been a long time coming. I'm not sure if I'm looking at a solid 'plot', per se, but I've definitely had some interesting concepts in my head. I hope I can get them out promptly for all of you.

Please tell me what you thought!

Originally, I planned to play the kick-boxing class for laughs. Just have Sasuke go to Sakura, tell her some silly story, get called out, goo a little about Sasuke, and get her to offer him 'the atonement'. It was just going to end with that. Dumb story, gullible Naruto, teasing Sasuke, annoyed-but-satisfied Sakura.

And then I started typing, and it _made me cry._

A few people have asked that I try to write a few pieces on Naruto's childhood with Kakashi and Iruka. I really want to, but I'm not that familiar with the custody/legal circumstances. Or the ages, etc. If anyone knows anything, I'm seriously thinking about giving it the old college try. (And if that fails, fluff and maybe some porn. -.-)

If/when it does get written, the peanut butter and banana thing will probably be in there, because I might not be a fan of Sakura, I just….FFFFFFF…did I convert myself? At least in this canon? Oo

_I want that zebra._

Psst. Yes, I am aware that 'handicap' is not a verb. I just liked the way it fit. Don't hurt me. T.T

I hope you'll stick around for more!


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